


Ashamed

by chopzoe



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Ficlet, Love Confession, Making Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-30 11:48:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19852549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chopzoe/pseuds/chopzoe
Summary: (Excerpt from the text) "Levi didn’t know what was wrong with Erwin. And she didn’t like it. Usually, she was able to look behind the façade of the Commander, but during the last few weeks – Levi could not pin point when exactly – something in the Commander’s mood started to shift" // Lazy, one sitting ficlet about Fem!Eruri //





	Ashamed

Levi didn’t know what was wrong with Erwin. And she didn’t like it. Usually, she was able to look behind the façade of the Commander, but during the last few weeks – Levi could not pin point when exactly – something in the Commander’s mood started to shift. She was more distant, even with Mike who seemed to have no clue either. She was nowhere to be seen during the meals, when others came out of the office Levi could hear them speculating about the Commander’s state, listening to the theories, one as sickening and dumb as the other:

“ _The Commander seems ill” “Maybe she plans to step away from the position, like Shadis.” “The burden has become too overwhelming.” “What if she is pregnant?”_

The morning during the meeting with the squad leaders, was when it sort of escalated. Erwin still seemed distraught and Levi, feeling concerned and upset about Erwin’s lack of composure, blurted out. „Did you get your period, or what?“

“Get out of the office”, Erwin retorted, and Levi swore this was the first time she heard her use this sharp tone with her.

The whole office was dead silent as the words were spoken and Levi was aware she crossed the line there. Meeting the icy stare of her Commander she fell mute. _/Congrats, you rode yourself into deep shit,/_ Levi thought to herself, merely saluting in a poor late attempt to act respectful and then moving towards the heavy wooden door and opening it, following the order.

-.-.-.-

After that, they went on to fulfil their duty. When they met, it was only for the sake of responsibility. Levi wrote the reports each day and brought them to Erwin, for the last signature. First, she thought about handing them to another messenger soldier, so she could avoid Erwin even more, but the thought seemed so silly. The least she wanted to do was to act like a brat that is ashamed of having received a scolding by her caretaker, an image that was only able to weird her out even more.

Still, the feeling of shame was always there, as she stepped into the office, as she crossed the room up to the desk, as she handed the carefully stacked papers to Erwin. Who simply took them and signed them without much of a fuss, because she trusted Levi's accuracy or because she too was somehow feeling ashamed. Another silly thought. Erwin is not a person who Levi ever imagined as feeling ashamed about anything. Shame was soon followed by frustration when she was dismissed again, without receiving more than one glance from Erwin.

-.-.-.-

This time, it was on a late evening, after Levi stepped into the office and handed over the papers, their eyes locked longer. Levi watched Erwin’s face, it felt like forever since she last did this, it probably was, since they avoided each other for a week. They were right – Erwin's features showed weakness; a kind of tiredness and almost pain. But maybe her consciousness was playing tricks on her, projecting something of her own feelings into Erwin's face, she could not tell. “Would you stay for a moment, Levi? I need to talk with you.”

Levi opened her mouth, but said nothing, just followed Erwin’s nod for her to sit down. She fought the impulse to lean over the desk and reach for Erwin's folded hands. She forbade the heat from creeping up into her face at the sudden urge. This was not the first time a thought like this came to her mind. In the past, Levi was able to ignore them everytime the both of them interacted, to the point she did not even realise she had such thoughts. It was in the beginnings of her being in the Corps, and she still felt a sort of distaste for Erwin. It was useful because it drowned everything else. However, because of reasons not fully clear to Levi, it vanished over time, leaving inappropriate thoughts uncovered, in full display. Levi is not naïve, she knew full well what made her have urges like this. It was only the shame and fear that made her push them away. Another factor in her success is convincing herself that Erwin never would reciprocate her feelings. Erwin has no interest in relationships, Levi has witnessed it over and over again, a woman like her simply attracts admirers, yet she always slipped away, blocked every advances off, no matter how subtle or how – _obnoxiously_ \- obvious they were presented. Levi can understand. They are similar in this. She too never let herself get into a place of where people could hurt her. That is where the fear comes into play.

Instead she threw one leg over the other and settled into a casual yet alert position. Making sure her face showed the usual look of indifference. She watched as Erwin sighed, suddenly looking even more tired and hurt.

„I feel ashamed.“

The words managed to make Levi's eyes widen for a short second, she opened her mouth again, only to close it, as her brows settle into a frown. „What?“ She literally could not believe what Erwin just said to her.

There was only silence as Erwin rose. She slowly stepped to the window to look outside, giving Levi time to take in the sight of her back, this tall woman appeared small for once. Waiting for Erwin to speak she sat still, her mind was trying to come up with possible answers. In this brief moment, she realised her thoughts are made of the theories from the other soldiers. What if, they were right all along? What if, Erwin thought of leaving, she would turn around only to tell Levi she has made the decision, believed their critics after all? That she was somehow not fitting into Shadis' footsteps, because she was weak, only damned to fail? Apart from the other foul things Levi heard people say about Erwin.

The woman seems lost in thought, Levi still trails the neck and the bun she always wears her hair in. „Are you okay?“ Levi needed to break the silence and this question burned in her head anyway.

Erwin turned her head to look at her, and Levi felt her throat tighten suddenly.

„Why are you still in the Corps?“

Levi felt how blank she must look at this question. „I asked if you are okay and now you ask me this?“ she said almost incredulous. Erwin's face was still the same as before, she did not speak.

Levi felt her head spin, as she tried to form the answer. „If I wanted to leave, I would have,“ she started, but fell quiet. Erwin still looked at her, she could feel her eyes on her even when she dodged them. _/Why am I still here? What even is that question, Erwin?/_ „Besides the obvious reasons of why I still take part in this shitshow, killing Titans, giving meaning to the lives of the fallen, smelling the air outside the walls, blah blah... What do you want to hear? Do you want me to leave?“ Levi looked her straight into the eyes, feeling it came off as too provocative, but Erwin responded calmly.

„You could have left, but you did not. I know you hated me, but something has changed, hasn't it?“

„What do you mean?“

„You know what I mean, Levi.“

Levi fell quiet again. As she looked Erwin in the eyes, unyielding as before, she felt a pang all of a sudden. „I'm...“ she started, then slowly shook her head. Her heart pounded faster, as if wanting to have a word in this. “I don’t hate you.”

Erwin came closer, until she sat again. Her eyes shifted down, she leaned over the desk. „All I want to say,“ she spoke, her voice sounding way too soft way too abruptly, „is whether you'd allow me to explain how I feel so ashamed or you'd rather we stop talking here?“

Levi blinked, leaning closer as well, but not on the desk, as if letting space between herself and Erwin would give her the feeling of control she needed. „You better talk.”

Erwin's face softened to the level of her voice when she spoke prior, and it made no and all sense to Levi. „I'm ashamed to admit I hold feelings to you that exceed a professional level.“

Levi clenched her teeth to fight the surge of hope, relief and longing that was breaking out all at once. It gave her a feeling of calm, of warmth. But it also managed to terrify her, shake her to the core. Erwin might as well slapped her, it came unprepared, so surreal that this woman would ever say that to Levi's face. Never would she have thought this. And yet.

„It's getting late,“ Levi finally managed to say. _/I need to breathe and think this through/_ „And I think I gave you something you should sign before we take off for today.“ _/That's not how I wanted to say it./_ It all probably showed on her face anyway.

Erwin understood. She looked down to the papers, then again at Levi and said: „I can finish this now“, before taking the pen and going through the papers. Levi stood and turned around. She wanted to draw a breath, ready to go, when Erwin spoke again.

„Why don't you go ahead and prepare some tea. I'll meet you in my room.“

 _/...In my room.../_ Levi gasped silently, feeling shudders and goose bumps coming to settle all over her body. Her feet were taking her away and the handle felt almost too heavy when she pulled to open the door, stepping outside and closing it behind her.

-.-.-.-

The cups clinked together repeatedly as Levi tried to keep the shaking from her hands. She sighed and set them on the tray she pulled on the counter of the small kitchen. After leaving the office, she quickly showered and changed into casual clothes, though keeping her button-up shirt. Now, waiting for the water to boil, she searched through the cabinet, finding the small collection of tea. Normally she would make black tea. But this time she was worried if her heart would take it. /Calm the fuck down,/ she told herself. The water was ready, so she took the kettle and started pouring it into the pot.

She chose camomile.

-.-.-.-

The corridor was silent and empty, except for the few torches that lined the walls every few meters and showed her the way to the leader's ward. Levi has managed to get the shaking under control and simply wandered through the building.

Erwin's bedroom was not hard to find. She wondered if Erwin was there yet, pressing down the handle with her elbow and entering the room, finding it empty. She sat down in one chair after she lit the few candles in the room, looking around. There were books everywhere, in stacks on the floor, around the bed, in the corners. Levi felt the urge to stand up and go through everything, but hesitated, not wanting to violate Erwin’s privacy. _/Huh. I tell myself that even though I know why I’m here./_

Then the door opened. She turned her head and watched Erwin step inside. As always, their eyes locked. Erwin has long wet hair, it has been freed out of the tight knot she usually wears and draped over her back. She realised it could have been the first time seeing Erwin with open hair. _/It's so long, I wish I could have seen her undo it,/_ Levi thinks, feeling her eyes flutter.

As if reading her mind, Erwin smirked a little. “I’m curious to see what other kind of faces you’ll make in the course of the evening.”

“Tch.” Levi could feel heat slamming into her cheeks in response and she leaned forward and reached for the pot of tea, pouring one cup for each of them. Erwin sat down on the other chair. This whole situation was so surreal, it felt like a dying dream. The whole week they have been avoiding each other and now they sat in Erwin’s room and drank camomile tea, after they sort of acknowledged their feelings in the office. What more would follow? Levi felt herself drawn to Erwin in a dangerous rate.

They were quiet so long it almost spooked Levi when Erwin stood and came towards her. Levi shifted in the chair, looking up, as Erwin stopped behind her. She lifted her hands which she placed on Levi’s shoulders. “So small”, she voiced low.

Levi huffed, “Excuse me?”

She could hear Erwin chuckle. “No offence, Levi. I mean your shoulders. They are so small, yet they bear a lot.” She moved the hands to the shoulders and back again.

“How is that supposed to come over?” Levi muttered.

“You don’t get complimented much, I suppose.”

Another huff. “Try harder.”

Levi felt her stepping closer and then leaning down, until damp strands of blonde hair brushed her shoulder. “Harder?”, she heard Erwin whisper from above and turned her head slightly. Erwin surprised her by grabbing her chin and pulling her face more upwards, covering her mouth with her own.

Levi inhaled sharply, but Erwin did not back down that easily. She used the moment where Levi parted the lips in shock and slipped her tongue between, slightly deepening the kiss _._ It took a while for Levi to react, but when she did, she brushed against Erwin’s tongue, feeling the smile on her lips, before Erwin drew away instantly. She looked from above, her icy stare somewhat triumphant. _/Power tripping bitch./_

She let go of Levi and stepped away, taking off the cardigan she wore.

“One of your fierce looks, I see.”

She came closer again, this time Levi could feel her against her back. Erwin put her hands on Levi’s shoulders again, travelling upwards to her collar and then they crept past it, brushing against the sensitive neck. Levi almost winced, but Erwin did not stop and went for the buttons, which swiftly were pushed through the holes and opened. When she was finished she put space between them again, and Levi could tell she opened her own shirt.

Levi did not notice they grew silent, she simply listened to the sound of cloth brushing off bare skin until she felt a naked torso press against her back. She was still wearing her shirt, but was thankful of having fabric between her skin and Erwin’s. The damp hair caressed her shoulders again, as Erwin leaned forwards. Then she felt the wetness of lips on her neck and fingers nestling on her shirt, removing it, leaving her shaking again.

She felt arms tighten around her, lips smooching up to her face, unable to stop shaking. Of excitement, or of fear, of cold, of shame. Erwin was not the only one being ashamed. That is why they lingered in this position, they were not yet ready to look at each other, not yet prepared of what would happen if they were to.

They found their way onto the bed, discarding the rest of their clothing and shaking both uncontrollably. Because of the cold air on their not joined skin, of the sighs and moans they coaxed out of each other using fingers and mouths.


End file.
